If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer