nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
You are not alone 💚
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.