I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Reporter: *ports again*