Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.