“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.