“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.