People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
i think both sides are to blame here
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.