Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
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If you can鈥檛 take me at my most inappropriate, you don鈥檛 deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I鈥檓 being bullied by the air.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That鈥檚 stupid; don鈥檛 do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I鈥檓 not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i鈥檝e seen jaws 3.
It鈥檚 really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.