HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You Might Also Like
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys