My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
You Might Also Like
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message