Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
May never get over this
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Good morning!
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
100% of divorces begin with marriage.