there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?