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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.