what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made