I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
my first day as a raccoon
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Rather alarming headline…
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
fourth time’s the charm
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶