My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Only a mother’s love …
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
sensitive skin
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️