Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.