I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.