*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”