*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
he’s doing your taxes
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Sniffing the broccoli
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids