Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.