5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.