I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
You Might Also Like
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery