If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”