Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
You Might Also Like
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.