“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.