Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own