St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.