TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.