I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”