They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
#catsoftwitter
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise