Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
We decided to have money instead of children.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Would you wear it?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination