“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
#ParentingFacts
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.