If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Seems a bit forward
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER