The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
âDonât let me keep youâ
Translation: Please go.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya thatâs the stuff
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Apparently, âover-the-counter medicationâ doesnât mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸đŠ
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I donât even feel the need to correct it.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
sorry but how is it âunclearâ how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Plays âIn Your Eyesâ on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
WAITER: would you like to try the chefâs special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but thereâs no reason for name calling
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.