This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal