never compromise your values
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
my one true gender
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.