[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I think we should hear other voices.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.