wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
#FunnyLife Insects
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows