FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.