Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
finally
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
eggs benadryl
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS