I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
You Might Also Like
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
what day is it?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.