guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Van Gone
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
this is uni
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
This probably isn’t good
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.