“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot