Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Stop it! 😂
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together