[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?