The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.