Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*