ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.