My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
thinking about a very short hotdog
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.